


Shakespeare's Dilemmas: A RomeoXJuliet Spoof

by Dhragonis_Slytherin



Category: Romeo And Juliet - Shakespeare, Romeo x Juliet
Genre: Crack, Essays, F/M, Humor, Mild Sexual Content, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-26
Updated: 2013-04-26
Packaged: 2017-12-09 13:25:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/774721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dhragonis_Slytherin/pseuds/Dhragonis_Slytherin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A spoof of Baz Luhrmann RxJ and Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet based on my English homework with random commentary, references to the real world, and a more teenage-hormonal twist to the dialogue and/or situations. Features Montague-Capulet feud and the infamous balcony scene.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own anything that I do not own and I don't mean to infringe any copyright infringements.
> 
> This is basically a section of my English essay with stupid boredom induced commentary scrawled all over it. No offense to anyone intended; it's just meant to be a joke.

Romeo: Juliet's coming to the window. I need to hear her speak.

Juliet: Aye me.

Romeo: She's speaking! Speak again bright angel! Where's my voice recorder?

Juliet: Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Why are you so? Deny your father's name and I'll never be a Capulet again. Juliet Montague; can you imagine that? _(*vomit)_

Romeo: Should I talk or should I keep listening to a 13 year old girl fantasise about me? God, I'm such a stalker!  
*insert pedo-y grin

Juliet: He's a Montague and I'm a Capulet. Our parents' life goals are to kill each other - so much for parental guidance. But why should a name get in the way of our love? Would a rose be any less sweet if we called it by any other word? _(not unless you called it vinegar)_

Romeo: For you, I'll do anything, even renounce the name of my forefathers. I'll never look at any other girl again _(That's alright, there are hot guys in Verona too)!_ If I do, I'll gouge my eyes out! _(talk about drama queen)_

Juliet: Who's there? How did you get in here? I've got pepper spray and I'm not afraid to use it!

Romeo: I wonder if you can use pepper spray on food?

Juliet: That's a retarded question and honestly I have no idea. Have you tried googling it?

Romeo: Oh man, not another google user. What happened to Yahoo?

Juliet: Isn't that for cowboys?

Romeo: No, don't cowboys go 'Yeehaw!' instead?

Juliet: No idea. Do we even have cowboys in the 17th century?

Romeo: No idea, but I'll tell you the answer in about 300 hundred years when Yahoo has been founded.

Juliet: Deal. Anyways, you have yet to tell me, how did you get in here? I'm sure I let the dogs out.

Romeo: I flew over the walls because I'm in love, either that or I walked through the side door; it was unlocked - you really should get new security guards. Either way, no wall nor blade can ever stop my love for you! *insert dramatic Titanic song

Juliet: How did you find me?

Romeo: When we were making out in the anachronistic elevator earlier, I kinda snuck a tracking devise in your pocket.

Juliet: You mean like the ones from Spy Kids? Cool, where can you get them?

Romeo: Off Ebay. You can get anything there.

Juliet: Kinda like Wallmart.

Romeo: Yeah, I suppose. Dunno really, never been to a Wallmart. They don't have them in Australia.

Juliet: True, true. Anyways, back to the script or we'll get fired by Baz Luhrmann; Do you love me?

Romeo: Didn't I just say so for like, the past three pages of the script lady? But if you wish, I shall swear by the moon.

Juliet: I'm only 13! Don't call me lady and don't swear by the moon. It's always changing, waxing and waning.

Romeo: So, what should I swear by?

Juliet: Don't swear at all!

Romeo: You mean I can't say 'fuck' anymore?

Juliet: No.

Romeo: Shit?

Juliet: Nope.

Romeo: Not even a little 'hell'?

Juliet: Well, maybe I can let you say hell.

Romeo: Hell yea baby!

Juliet: Oh, well then, swear by yourself and I'll believe you.

Romeo: I, Romeo do-not-wanna-be-Montague-but-sadly-is, do hereby swear on myself and Darth Vader and Bambi the Deer and Salazar Slytherin and snakes and hell and cookie and cream ice-cream that I love Juliet!

[Nurse calls]

Juliet: I should go. Stay longer, I will be back. _(In Terminator accent)_

Romeo: Oh, I must be dreaming, either that or I'm drunk, that's fine too. Alcohol makes the world go round.

Juliet: Good night, Romeo. If you want to get married, tell me tomorrow. What time shall I send word to thee?

Romeo: Text me at nine!

Juliet: I er…can't text. I'm out of credit. You'll have email me instead. My email is, secretlyatransvestite@fictitious.com

Romeo: Goodbye my love. Mines, choc_chip_cookiz fictitious . com

Juliet: Choc chip cookies? You serious?

Romeo: What? It's called alliteration! Half the stuff this guy writes is poetry! You don't hear me complaining about your email address so leave my choc chip cookiz alone! And besides, choc chip cookies taste good.

Juliet: Fair enough. Parting is such sweet sorrow that I shall say good night till it be morrow.


	2. Chapter 2

**How does Mercutio's death reinforce the nature of the tragedy?**

Mercutio's death is the catalyst to a chain of events. His death led to Romeo, who previously tried to placate Tybalt for the sake of Juliet _(and his dick. Let's face it. RxJ may be one of the greatest romances of all time, but they're still teenagers. What else does a teenager do with his girlfriend?)_ , to murder Tybalt. Before Mercutio's death, Romeo still offered peace _(Prince of Cats want some catnip?)_ , telling him to 'be satisfied _(you've eaten twenty-two tins of tuna already!)_ ' even though Tybalt continually reviled him _(fuck you!)_ , naming him 'villain' and 'boy' as he was 'deaf to peace' _(Put Romeo and Juliet together in a room and there will be no peace and quiet with all that screaming. You'd probably want to be deaf, or at least have a couple of earplugs. Make sure the little ones are clear first though. Don't want any kids asking what the F word means.)_ '.

The death of their kinsmen inflamed the inveterate enmity between the two households. This fervent rancour is evident when Lady Capulet cries, 'For blood of ours, shed blood of Montague _(We are tying to attract the vampires all the way from Volterra cause apparently it's cool to date them now and Jamie Campbell-Bower who plays Caius is hot. I wonder if they can get HIV?)_ ,' and vice versa. Their hatred for each other overwhelms Romeo and Juliet's love _(lame~)_.

Whilst Romeo is exiled from Verona _(he secretly has covert affairs with random hookers)_ , Juliet is forced to marry Paris. As a final act of desperation to reunite with her love _(aka the guy she just met a couple of days ago and decided to marry him the next)_ , Juliet drinks the potion from Friar Lawrence _(Severus Snape in disguise)_. Alas, they were 'star-crossed lovers' (stars are actually pentagrams and not crosses) and committed suicide _(because they were blindly in love and could not see that the other was actually alive)_ after seeing their spouse dead _(or supposedly dead in Romeo's case)._

The tragedy of Shakespeare's _Romeo and Juliet_ is how hatred can destroy even the purest _(cliché-est)_ love. All this melodrama _(and corny lines along with torturous English assignments for every single English student in the world for the past three centuries)_ could have been prevented if the Montagues and the Capulets could just look past their hate _(or have killed off each other already!)_


End file.
